A.S. Thorne

It’s after midnight.

The textbook is open in front of me. I’ve read the same paragraph five times and still couldn’t tell you what it said. My body is here, my eyes are here, but my mind? My heart? They’re already somewhere else.

They’re in the half-finished blog post sitting in my drafts. They’re in the chapter of my book that won’t stop whispering at the edges of my thoughts. They’re in the words that demand to be written, even when deadlines and grades demand otherwise.

I know what I should be doing. Be responsible. Get the degree. Finish the internship. Put in the hours so I can add more tools to my belt and more letters behind my name.

Because I already sit with people in their grief and trauma. I already hold stories that feel too heavy for one person alone. But I want to do it better. I want to do it with sharper skills, with deeper knowledge, with every resource possible at my fingertips.

That matters. It matters enough that I keep turning back to the same unread paragraph, trying to force it into my brain, even when every part of me wants to be writing instead.

But here’s the truth: my book matters too.

The blog matters. The stories matter. The words I put into the world might never change systems, but maybe they’ll help someone survive a night they weren’t sure they’d make it through. Maybe they’ll be the hand someone reaches for in the dark when they think they’re alone.

And isn’t that its own kind of saving?

So here I am, torn between the responsible choice and the ache that won’t quit. Between textbooks and novels, between the real world and the Mirrorlands I’ve built inside my head.

Maybe balance isn’t about choosing one over the other. Maybe it’s about carrying both — the responsible and the restless, the academic and the artistic — and letting them shape each other.

Because one day, I don’t just want to help people in my office or counseling room.
I want my books to help people, too.
I want both.

And maybe wanting both is okay.

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💭 Your Turn
What’s pulling at you right now? The thing you should do, and the thing your soul aches to do?

Write them both down. Maybe they’re not enemies. Maybe they’re part of the same story you’re building.

If this post resonates with you, I’d be honored if you shared it. Sometimes admitting we’re torn between responsibility and passion is the very thing that lets us carry both.

🖤 A.S. Thorne